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[23 Apr 2008|05:35pm] |
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Brave by Idina Menzel |
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Well, I guess I've never really introduced myself here....I'm Stephanie. I'm 18 and I live a very boring life right now.
I've been clean on cutting for roughly a year and a half now.
Lately there's been a lot of drama in my life, a little too much to go into detail with at this moment, but anyways...
I don't know why, but I've been devoid of any kind of feeling lately. Even when I'm with my friends, it feels like I'm just simulating happiness. I haven't been able to take my medication because it hasn't been refilled yet, which may have a factor in this....but within this past week or so I've been wanting to cut again, the urges much worse than the fleeting ones I'd get after my first few months of not cutting....
About a week ago I was listening to some really calm music to try and help me sleep (I have trouble sleeping too) and the only images that would pop into my head were full of blood and gore and severed limbs and sliced up arms....I don't know why.
I really don't know what to do, but it's scaring me a little bit. I want to be able to feel the emotions I know I should be feeling. The only feeling I've been seriously certain of is the fact that I love my girlfriend, Jamie.
I'll save the drama that may connect with these feelings for another entry or for those who'd care to know....
I'm just really afraid because I'm scared I'm going to break and start cutting again....
Also...just kind of a random thought....what are some songs you community members use to get you through rough times? What songs really inspire you and speak to you?
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[08 Mar 2008|09:10pm] |
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to make things worse...my mom just told me my grandmother...the my dads mom...the one ive waited my whole life to meet. the one i look like....shes dying...y's all this have to happen at once. she told me she really really needs me to be okay and not cut myself bc she cant worry about, momma celya and my dad and me. i have to get outta here...i wanna be here for my dad but i dont know if i can handle him crying. wtf am i suppose to do?
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[08 Mar 2008|06:11pm] |
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perfectly flawed----otep |
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i feel like the worst person to ever walk the planet. i couldnt sleep last night. i still cant eat. not only has this thing w/ sammie been the reason i can barely even talk today, but my friend jen is upset about me too. when krista and i had broken up me and jen started talking. and she knew i still wanted to be w/ krista...then they both stopped calling me. well, i didnt know how much jen liked me. she started talking to me about it bc i made her. she was in a shell all day. and i finally made her talk to me when we got back to my place. she started crying and i felt so horrible. i told her that im sorry. i really am. but she said if im happy then she cant do anything about it. and she said this is wat i must have felt like when i found out she had a boyfriend and i told her yah. i hugged her and then her mom showed up so she stopped crying. im such a fucking bitch. y do i keep hurting people. if lived my whole life trying to make others happy. not worrying about my happiness. i finally start to focus on my life for a few years and it turns out this is when i hurt the ones i love the most. y do i even bother? wats the point of this anymore? all i ever wanted was to be happy and to make others happiness possible...but im nothing but a worthless piece of shit.
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[06 Mar 2008|10:21pm] |
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silver bullet *acoustic*----hawthorne heights |
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i cut again. but i think ill be okay for now. i hope.
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[17 Feb 2008|03:31pm] |
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heyy. sorry i have been very active. so much stuff has been going on.
basically me and my best friend got into a lil fight and well now arent friends. i though it was going to be a clean end of a friendship. but no, thats not possible with her. she and her boyfriend started talking all this shit about me and they went aroudn telling people about how i got raped. and the worst part about that is that they were saying that i lied about being raped and i was only saying that so i wouldnt look like a slut.
like what the fuck who does that? i have never been so hurt before. i confided in them and now they are using it against me.
they even turned my ex against me. which really hurts because i really love him.
luckily everything is kinda dying down now because i am on break. i just hope when i go back to school things will be okay.
also on top of all of this i just found that my exs dad just died. and it really affected me because i knew him and because i still care about him and his family. i dont know what to do cause he wont really open up about which i understand but i dont want him to keep it all in. i told him that i was here for him though no matter what.
i just need him to be okay. his family already has so many issues.
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[17 Dec 2007|11:22pm] |
PLEASE HELP ME
i'm on my all time low.
My boyfriend means the world to me. He's my everything. EVERYTHING...and he just dumped me.
I havn't got anything else to live for.
I'm ruined.
I'm even looking up 'best ways to commit suicide' in google.
Help please...
what do i doo?
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[10 Dec 2007|03:26pm] |
Hey everyone I just wanted to let you know that I've switched usernames. I recently posted in here under ![[info]](http://img.greatestjournal.com/userinfo.gif) razorveins but have since moved to this journal. I'm looking for friends so if any of you would like to add me please feel free.
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[01 Dec 2007|07:26am] |
I've noticed this community goes in waves, less active in the summer, much moreso in the fall/winter.
I think a lot of 'depression' is seasonal affective disorder, and the fact that, to be honest, a lot of fucking people seem to cut themselves over silly issues they're having in school/with classmates.
Any thoughts?
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| Okay... |
[01 Dec 2007|02:43am] |
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Kansas - Carry on my Wayward Son |
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Alright, it's getting a bit bumpy for me. Anytime that I feel stress, my wrists start acting up and I get frightfully strong urges. I have had panic attacks in the past to boot, but thankfully not as of late.
I'm just asking that you guys keep with me in not cutting! @_@ This season is crazy (especially if you work in retail) but I'm hoping to make it through. I had cut myself in fall of last year and the year before that. I'm hoping that this will not be the third... I hope everyone else is doing good too! ^.^
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[26 Nov 2007|05:33pm] |
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things have been really rough.
i stopped taking my medicine.
i cut a little, but really a little.
and i am positive my mother cares more about my brother than me.
everything is so hard.
and i havent eaten since yesterday cause i dont feel like it.
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[25 Nov 2007|09:01pm] |
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if you look deep, deep into my eyes and look past my fake smile you will see that i am broken, truly broken. i dont want to pretend to be happy anymore, i want to be naturally happy. i dont want to get upset everytime i see him. i want to be over him. and happy without him. i dont understand why i am in love with someone who now treats me like shit. and i just dont understand that if he really did used to love me, how his feelings for me just vanished. how can you stop loving someone that ment so much to you? unless everything he ever told me was a lie. i question if he ever really had feelings for me. was it all just a waste of time? i dont even know. but what i do know, and to all of you this is going to seem stupid and you'll probably think im crazy and wrong but i dont care, what i do know is that he was/is sapposed to be the one for me. i've never felt so strong about something. he is the one that i am sapposed to be with for the rest of my life. and maybe knowing this is why it is so hard for me to simply forget about him. believe you me, if i could get over him i would. im not holding on just because. you really think that i like feeling like this all the time? no. i hate it. sometimes i really hate that i ever met him. but then again for the time we were together he was the best thing that ever happened to me. i never once was sad when he was in my life. but now that he is gone, i feel empty. and i hate it. no one ever loved me like he did. that is if he really did love me. but whatever.
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[25 Nov 2007|12:56am] |
I'm kinda happy for myself, i havent cut in a few days...hopefully itll last longer then that...and i sent the guy that topped the cake (made me want to cut) an email and i feel kinda good about it but im still kinda worried about what he might say and that he might go fricken crazy and like go nuts on me because i sent him an email so now im starting to have second thoughts...uhhh im kinda scared now!!!....
i guess the only thing that started to help me with cutting was reading...i know crazy! but it helped, nothing else seemed to help and that did so im kinda shocked! anyway yeah i hope everyones doing good nothing much going on...hope everyone had a good turkey day!!
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[17 Nov 2007|11:43pm] |
I don't know what's happening. Nothing's like it used to be. Happy, peaceful, full of love. Aaron and I ended the break. But since then... he said he's going to change. But I don't want him to change who he is for me. I just don't want that. Then tonight... we got into a fight. All triggered by a myspace bulletin. Then he said he trusts me, he just feels like I'm replacing him. And I'm not. He says I don't love him, but I love him more than anything. He said he was going to cut. He said he was cutting. He said he was going to try to kill himself. He said it was too late, he was in the process of killing himself. So I called his mom and asked her to check on him. He then told me he didn't feel like killing himself anymore.
This whole thing is killing me. I'm not the person I used to be. He's not the person he used to be. Nothing's as it was. Why can't we just go back in time... to when everything was okay. I don't know what to do anymore... I just really don't know. I love him so damn much... why does it have to hurt so badly?
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[17 Nov 2007|02:10pm] |
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i didnt teke my medicine today.
i dont know why.
i could.
but i have to eat before i do that.
and i dont really feel like eating.
i dont understand myself.
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| TIRED |
[15 Nov 2007|05:17pm] |
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Have you ever got that feeling that everything isnt going right? that the would for as you know it could end and no one would give a damn?
Life right now is more then complicated!
Its more and more drama every stinkin day and i cant take it anymore!
This morning i was called a liar, a bitch and last night a whore! all by the people in my family...does that even sound remotely normal or correct???
Well of course i havent cut yet...today anyway! but the way this shit is going it doesnt seem to far off.
I cant stand it anymore, the depression i feel from him only adds to the pain i deal with at home.
i cant take it anymore, all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry, scream, and die! everywhere i go it never seems to end, all the pain and guilt never seems to subside...EVER!
Life seems so...pathetic and worthless! The pain never seems to end and it aches inside of me like no other pain ive ever felt before. my home life sucks and everything just doesnt seem to be turning heads up any time soon!
what could there possibly be to do to change it all around?
maybe i just want to get caught to get sent off so i dont have to live in this hell i call home!!!!
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[15 Nov 2007|01:45pm] |
So Aaron and I are on a break, initiated by me. We might end up breaking up soon though. And I cut again.
But the friend I mentioned, Nick, has been helping me through this whole thing (he has a girlfriend, so he's just a genuinely nice person). In the auditorium the other day he held my hand to let me know everything was gonna be okay, and also to get me to stop snapping myself with a rubber band. He's just been helping me through this whole thing... he's seriously my new best friend.
Maybe everything will turn around and we'll be happy again. Maybe. Someday. I can hope. In the mean time, I've got a friend who I see every weekday that's helping me through this. I love that kid.
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| UGH |
[11 Nov 2007|11:14pm] |
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I gave in...i cant believe myself...ugh
everything just doesnt seem to be turning around any time soon. theres
nothing to look forward to anymore, not thats worth looking forward to
anyway, well besides graduation and thats months from now!!!
he was the only one to look forward to, its all over a guy...AGAIN!!! i
cant believe myself, i was doing just fine, and then i start to like
someone, fall and have to start all over again, and then, relapse, why
does this happen?? why now! why cant things go back to how they
were...where this stuff wasnt a part of my life...why does it have to be
brought back into my life...now of all times!!
could it be because i miss home
could it be because i miss him
could it be because everything seems over??
i cant stand the pain of doing it, but i deffently cant stand the pain of this hurt...any longer!!!!
poems dont help anymore...they used to and now they all seem kinda pointless. there all about the same thing!
i cant stand on my own two feet anymore all i can do is constantly
fall...(not literally) it hurts to cause pain and it hurts to
cry...why???
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[10 Nov 2007|11:48pm] |
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system of a down. |
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does anyone else get the extremely random urge to do "bad things".
like yesterday, i dont even remember what happened but i wanted to kill myself really bad.
i dont get it, i just get these serious urges, and i dont know what to do with them.
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[09 Nov 2007|04:13pm] |
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okay, ive been well cutless for 2 years and even talking about cutting to this day makes the old scars...that have dissappeared, itch!
i know some of you have either cut or are cutting or some sort of self injury...how do you deal with the itching, if you cut, or any other feeling you get in result of your injuries? i know i could never stand it, i never let the scars heal because i always itched them! just a thought!
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[08 Nov 2007|08:05pm] |
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So I got my hair cut (6 inches off, it falls around my shoulders now) and I thought it looked really cute, but Aaron was all like "you're conforming" and he didn't say that it even looked nice. Whereas my friend Nick, who I barely know, said he loved it without me saying anything and gave me a hug. Then later said I looked really pretty. Why is it that a friend I barely know is nicer to me than my boyfriend? It's not like he likes me or anything, at least I don't think so. But I don't know. He's just really nice to me and it brings to attention how wrong I'm being treated by Aaron. And he almost dumped me the other night... but he didn't and said I say "I love you" too much and that I never care and never put effort into the relationship... and I cut again. Really deep too... and in a way, I kind of hope someone sees it and puts out their hand to help me. I don't know how I'll explain the cuts to Aaron... I'll probably say I got into a fight with my parents. Oh well. Things will hopefully work themselves out...
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